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David Brider [userpic]

What is the best way...

December 27th, 2013 (10:31 pm)

...of letting go of unhappy situations from the past that continue to upset you? Because there is one in particular that...I just can't stop thinking about. And whenever I think about it, it just drags me back down into that cycle of depression, because...well, there's nothing I can do about it, seemingly, so I'm just stuck with lots of unhappy memories, and...

Yeah. Vague, inarticulate rambling. Sorry. But if anybody's got any ideas, please share them, because I just want to be able to let go. (Or get resolution, but I don't think that's ever likely.)

(And this actually applies to about three or four separate situations, all of which come crashing back with varying degrees of regularity...but let's just think of it as one, 'cos there was one that particularly got to me earlier today...)

Comments

Posted by: emmzzi (emmzzi)
Posted at: December 27th, 2013 10:47 pm (UTC)

are you familiar with the theory of circles of interest, influence and control?

I find my recurring memories I struggle to let go of are way out of my control, and recognising that helps. Most of the theory is in management speak, but you can extrapolate to see it more holistically.

Posted by: lonemagpie (lonemagpie)
Posted at: December 27th, 2013 10:52 pm (UTC)

I have no idea, cos I'm as bad, TBH. Find other situations that can overwrite them?

I wish organic brains could be defragged like hard drives.

Posted by: lonemagpie (lonemagpie)
Posted at: December 27th, 2013 10:53 pm (UTC)

Oh, yeah, try to avoid watching/reading triggery stuff - which can be hard when it's something of your favourite.

(says the guy with the drowned first love who has guilt issues over a friend's suicide, who just watched Casino Royale)

Posted by: sp_owl (sp_owl)
Posted at: December 27th, 2013 11:56 pm (UTC)

I've got two, and they are probably pretty dumb. One would be that whenever you start thinking of this, immediately think of something else. I have done this many times, particularly for something embarrassing that's happened. As soon as the situation pops in my head, I don't allow myself to think about it at all--to re-live any moment of it--and immediately distract myself. I have found that in time, it erases the memory. Because I don't re-live it, I don't recall it as well.

The other would be to have some sort of ceremony to let it go. My kids have told me they have done this with past hurtful relationships. Actually burned something of the ex-boyfriend/gf's and maybe said a few words. Let it go that way.

Hope this helps.

Posted by: iRamble (redatt)
Posted at: December 28th, 2013 02:43 am (UTC)

Talk about it. Name it. Own it.

Posted by: Caroline M (coth)
Posted at: December 28th, 2013 11:23 am (UTC)

This one sounds good to me, although since you are a blogger I might recast it slightly as: "Talk or write about it. Name it. own it.". Some people have other outlets: artists can draw, musicians can make music...

I would suggest you start by talking to or writing about it for yourself. There are many ways of doing this. You could try a poem, or a voice note, or a diary entry. You can tell it straight for your future self who has forgotten about it. Or disguise it with a story of what you wish had happened instead. Or tell your fear of the worst consequence that did not in fact happen. Or write a letter to the other person(s) involved. Whichever you do, you gain a measure of distance and perspective to start with, and also practice in talking about it that helps when you can face talking or writing about it to other people. Do that as often as you want to. Take as long as you need to.

Then, when you do feel you can open up to other people a blog entry that allows constructive engagement or comment, or an essay, or a conversation with a friend or therapist who can offer other insights or perspectives gives you more to work with.

Sometimes if it's complicated you can pick it off bit by bit, and deal with part of it at a time. In that case, take the easy bits first. They give you practice for the harder bits later.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

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