I want to, I need to, but right now - and for large chunks of the past five years - I've dredged up this stuff and turned it this way and that way in my mind to try to get some sort of handle on it, to try to understand why people I thought of as friends could be so fundamentally meanspirited, and it never works, and it just drives me deeper and deeper into a part of my depression that, more than any of the other parts, I wish would just go away.
Right now, I feel like a complete...mess-up. Substitute four-letter word of your choice for "mess," if you so please. But yeah. I'm my own worst enemy. I just can't seem to get rid of it.