And that reminded me of a piece of epistolary fic I wrote many (seven) years ago. The theory that came to me was that, although they weren't necessarily an item as such, it was just possible that Argus Filch may have...fond thoughts, let us say, about Dolores, and composed this letter accordingly. Although the initial idea struck me as being WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS, I was kind of surprised at how sweet it ended up being. I think Filch is an old romantic.
But yeah, it's probably unrequited...
Title: Keep us so near while apart
Author name: David Brider
Spoilers: Order of the Phoenix
Era: Between Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince
Main Character(s): Umbridge, Filch
Summary: Filch is pining
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended
Author's Notes: Whilst watching Order of the Phoenix I had a really sick idea, and I don't see why I should suffer alone.
24th August 1996.
My dearest Dolores,
I trust this missive finds you safe, and hopefully well. I realise that things must be difficult for you right now. I think that what those Centaurs did to you was totally uncalled for, and as for Peeves...well, I believe that my feelings about him are widely known, and I have no wish to ruin this letter by dwelling on that loathsome individual. I should just like to assure you that - for what little it's worth - I am holding you constantly in my thoughts in all that you're going through.
I have seen many changes here at Hogwarts, but the time when you were here was one of the happiest of my life. It will, I have no doubt, go rapidly downhill without you, and your fine approach to discipline, around. Term, alas, starts next week, and those irritating students will be back to make my life hell. I've often felt that my job would be a lot easier were it not for the children. And the teachers. And the ghosts, really. I mean, yes, I have Mrs Norris, of course, but she...well, she's not you.
I would give it all up in an instant for you, you do know that, don't you, my darling, pink-clad Dolores? My love for you is absolute, and total, and I so hope that it may be consummated with the utmost alacrity. I yearn for you with every fibre of my being, body and soul.
I remain, as ever,