David Brider (davidbrider) wrote,
David Brider
davidbrider

I don't need this pressure on me...

Okay, in fairness, things aren't as bad as they could be right now. I spent some time earlier today doing some tidying up in the house, including cleaning the bathroom a bit (the visit by the plumber yesterday kind of presented an opportunity to do that), and hoovering my bedroom floor too. Like I've said before - baby steps, but every little helps. Also been ripping a few old DVD-Rs to divx and bunging the contents onto the external hard drive. And made a bit of progress with the book I'm currently reading. I'd quite like to get it out of the way by the end of tomorrow. The next couple in the pile, I can probably manage in a day each.

On the other hand...I'm just generally not coping with large chunks of life right now. I'm a bit out of the loop on the actual planning of it, but arrangements have been made for dad's funeral - this Friday, 11:00am. I've been asked if I'd like to say something as part of a "family tributes" section at the start of the service. I've cobbled together something that's...less of a "short personal reflection" and more of a "mini sermon". It's nice to get it off my chest, but I suspect I'll trim it a bit before Friday. However...knowing that the date's been set - getting the text telling me about it - just made it seem much more real. (Well, it is real, but you know what I mean). I came the closest to crying about it then that I ever have. If I'm not a blubbing mess on Friday, I'll actually be very surprised. I feel very raw and fragile about the whole thing. Fortunately, I have Sarah for hug therapy.

The hunt for work is going slowly. Any time something comes up that seems like I'd be a reasonable match for (like about 90% or higher) I apply for it, but...so do loads of other people. It's starting to get to me. Give it a bit longer and I'll start to have doubts about my self worth. Still, I have now started signing on, so there's a little bit of money coming in. Not much, though.

Then there's the fact that the clocks went back on Sunday. As a result of which, as I sometimes jokingly put it, "it gets late earlier." Actually, it's not so bad now I'm not working. When I was working up in Milton Keynes, the difference was palpable and shocking - one Friday, I'd leave work when it was daylight, or at least dusk, and then the following Monday I'd trudge to the car in the dark (there were lights in the car park, but they didn't have much penetration). Not pleasant. I don't know if I actually suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or if the dark has an adverse effect on my depression, or what the dividing line is between those two, but yeah - I don't enjoy it when the days start getting shorter.

And then, basically, the next fortnight is essentially my least favourite two weeks of the year. I may have to hibernate longer and harder than usual...

Can't wait for the weekend and for new Doctor Who.
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